this is my lil diary section. while i don't intend to cover anything super deep or personal (or remotely identifiable here), it goes without saying that these are my own views and if you think i'm writing about you, i most definitely am not.

19 may 2021

dear diary...

19th may 2021

lately i've been grappling with the reality that is being a late-20s "failure" in the uk. like, some of my problems are my own fault (not trying hard enough in uni, moving to a part of the uk with the biggest disparity between cost of living and average income), but at the same time, a lot of my mistakes have led to some of the things i really love in life (my current job, marrying my partner, living 5 minutes away from the sea). and i try to remind myself that even if i had excelled in university, came out and began a "real" career with a job that requires a university degree, i'd really be no better off. because unfortunately, very few people from my generation are ever going to own a house any time soon.

even reminding myself that i'm not alone isn't much a comfort! because as i sit here typing this, i'm staring at the wall where a crack began, very tiny, but has crept further and further up and deepened and sprawled out across the ceiling, and i can't wait to go through the whole thing of this wall eventually having some real structural damage, and the hell of getting my landlord - who lives about 100 miles away, and bought this flat as an "investment property" - to finally do something about it.

(our bathroom ceiling came down last year, and it took our landlord six months to finally hire a contractor to repair it. six months. six months of showering below exposed plasterboard, which would occassionally rain more little crumbles of debris on my as i was trying to wash my hair.)

i guess a big part of my "i'm not a real grown up until..." angst also comes down to my job. because i love my job, and i think i'm good at it, but i'm also acutely aware that i'm paid barely above minimum wage. and while i don't think just anyone could do my job as well as i do, i do know that just about anyone could do it. and that's kind of gutting. xx

19 may 2021